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[30 Jun 2003|09:37pm] [ mood | gloomy ] [ music | Everybody Loves Somebody - Dean Martin ] Wow, Haven't written in a LONG time. Well, Nick and my one year anniversary passed! (May 17, 2002) Now it's been 13 months. I love my baby so much! Yesterday, Joey, Jen, Nicole, Allie, Matt and me went to Mountain Creek Water park. I had a lot of fun but Joey, Jen, Nikki and me jumped off this like 25-30ft cliff into water and I must have hit the wrong way because I am in SO much pain! (Ouch!) Tonight I went on this "cleaning mode" (Kinda scary huh?) Well I was cleaning out this draw and found a lot of old memories. Stuff from ex's, letters, pictures, key chains etc. and stuff my father gave me before he left and pictures and cards my grandpa gave me. I miss my grandpa so much. I mean, everyone says "Oh yea I understand" but no, you DONT understand. No one will ever understand what he meant to me. I mean, EVERY memory I have is with him. How can I get over it unless I forget 15 years of my life? 'If I would dance one more dance with him, I would play the song forever, If I could have one more hug, I would hold him forever' But now you're my angel, and you'll forever watch over me. kisses

[02 May 2003|10:47pm] [ mood | aggravated ] [ music | All Cried Out - Allure and 112 ] How do you make him understand? kisses

Been crying for the past 48 hrs! [02 May 2003|07:10pm] [ mood | drained ] [ music | When I Fall in Love - Brian Adams and Vanessa Williams ] "Every time I hear HIS voice, I start to tremble and cry..." All of yesterday, I was in the MUSHYEST mood (I don't think that's a word! lol) But anyway, I was getting SO jealous over ANY little thing that happened with Nick. For example, someone came up to me and said, "Oh My G-d, your boyfriend is so funny!" or "I was talking to Nick, about getting you a cell phone" or he was even talking to some girl about drivers ed and I was getting pissed! OVER THE STUPIDEST THINGS! I don't know what was wrong with me. Than that night, I had to do a global essay, so every once in a while, I would call Nick up, and ask him for help (He's such a good boyfriend) and not saying more than five words, I would break down and start crying! The worst part is, I COULDN'T STOP! I felt so bad! He didn't do anything, I swear! But he just didn't understand that. I love him so much that when I'm not with him, I feel dead inside, or just like my soul is in a million pieces. I understand that he has family, and friends and other things to do, I honestly understand that, and I WANT him to be with them, but deep down, and I know that it sounds selfish, but I want it to be HIM AND ME... I love him kisses

broken hearts </3 [21 Apr 2003|09:27pm] [ mood | cranky ] [ music | Through the Years - Kenny Rogers ] i havent seen nick for like 4 days and its killing me slowly inside. but its only been FOUR days. for example, today he called me and was like, "what are you doing?" and i just started crying, and almost every time i talk to him i do, and i cant help it! i dont even know why i get like that... and the worst part is, i get SO bitchy to him, i dont mean to, i guess its just that im mad that i cant see him and i take it out on him... i feel bad =( i dont mean to do it though. i dont know how to make him understand. we've shared SO much together, special things together, and maybe thats why it hurts a lot more than before. i dont know though. i could never imagine needing someone this much to survive... (26 more days!) kisses

[28 Mar 2003|03:04pm] [ mood | loved ] [ music | Angel - Amanda Perez ] Ahh! No school today! Yay!! My baby came over today for a couple of hours! He's such a WONDERFUL boyfriend and I love him so much! I'm so thankful to have someone so special love me, the way I've always wanted to be loved. I think that I have now proved the quote, "No one has ever loved anyone, the way everyone wants to be loved" wrong. I've proved it wrong because for the first time ever, I am loved the way I want to be loved. He said the cutest thing to me today! I was showing him this "application to date my daughter" thing that my mom found and she thought it was cute, so she gave it to me. So i was showing it to him, and one of the questions were "fill in the blank" "A woman's place is ___________" and he said "A woman's place is in the heart" I thought that was so cute! LoL! 1 lipstickkisses

[26 Mar 2003|06:22pm] [ mood | nerdy ] [ music | Get Busy - Sean Paul ] I'm doing homework.. ha LOOK I HAVE A LIFE! (Being sarcastic!) Well, for one, my mom's boyfriend is being really shady and acting like a dick to me -- yay! now I don't have to deal with him! LoL Today at lunch, the girls and me were talking about guys, and how some of them only want sex and just random shit like that, and Kate and I were talking about the best thing to do with your boyfriend, is just to enjoy their company, not worry about "doing shit." As we were talking, I was thinking about how lucky I am to have someone, who REALLY cares about me, and isn't in it for sex or the title "boyfriend/girlfriend" For the first time, in a LONG time, I actually realized, I could NEVER picture my life without him. He's so special to me, and I love how we can just sit and talk about ANYTHING, especially things that scare me, or what my dreams and beliefs are, and unlike most guys, he listens. I LOVE YOU BABY, you mean the WORLD to me. Thank you for everything kisses

[23 Mar 2003|03:00pm] [ mood | sore ] [ music | Time After Time - Jewel ] Just finished rearranging my basement, spring cleaning and washing clothes! I'm beat! lol Is it weird to want to spend "bonding time" with my mommy?? I mean, I know it sounds like jealousy, but she is always with her boyfriend, and it's hard to except the fact that she MIGHT be getting married... I've never had a "male-figure" in the house and I don't want to start! I mean, don't get me wrong, he's a really nice guy and all, but sometimes he tries to act like a father and but his opinion in, WHERE IT DOESNT BELONG! and I'm really sick of it. My mom isn't doing it on purpose, but it does bother me. I don't want to say anything to her because she's happy... I don't know what to do? 1 lipstickkisses

[21 Mar 2003|05:31pm] [ mood | energetic ] [ music | Bring Me to Life - Evanescense ] Happy Birthday Nick! I love you baby! The big 1-6 Hope you've had a FUN day! 1 lipstickkisses

Bored... [19 Mar 2003|04:15pm] [ mood | flirty ] [ music | You Can Do It - Ice Cube ] -Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're the kind of chick that can hang out with your boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't care about presents or about going to fancy placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy being around your boyfriend. What Kind of Girlfriend Are You? brought to you by Quizilla 2 lipstickskisses

[18 Mar 2003|08:29pm] [ mood | tired ] [ music | Eminem - Go to Sleep ] take the emo quiz.created by jessi ahh... in a better mood! Just came back from a LONG walk with mommy... she's crazy! but hey, who isnt? 1 lipstickkisses

Since October... [18 Mar 2003|02:56pm] [ mood | annoyed ] [ music | Monica - For You I Will ] wow... umm, ok, a lot has happened since october! lol grandpa passes away january 11, 2003 (rest in peace, angel) I had a dream about him a couple of weeks ago, this is what happened.. we were at a party, and i walked in... uncle steven said to you, "hey dad, how you feeling?" you replied, "i feel great now, a lot better." "how is G-d to you?" uncle steven asked. you turned and said, "when i got there, He asked me, 'boy, do you play cards?" i got up and walked outside with tears in my eyes... you followed me and asked, "baby, whats the matter?" as you pulled out a handkerchief, like you always had. I said to you, "i miss you grandpa, why did you leave?" you just smiled and said, "I'm right here" Everyone says that he was talking to me, telling me that he was all right up there, in heaven, but it still hurts... A LOT! Everyone feels like hes not gone, just still in the bronx, kinda like one of those, "ehh, ill call him tomorrow to see how he is" and just because they feel like that, they think that we all feel like that, but it's not true! everyone knows what my grandfather meant to me, and it does hurt me a lot, just because i dont always show it, doesnt mean i dont feel it! lately, i have been crying a lot about it, and one night i cried myself to sleep, and i had a dream that... i was standing in front of his house and it was like 3 am or whatever (pretty late!) and I knew that he had passed away, but i didnt want to except it, so i kept calling his house, knowing that he wouldnt pick up but i wanted him to so bad. so then he DID pick up. and i was crying and i was like "grandpa?? grandpa, i wanna come up and see you, lemme come in i'll be right there." and he said to me, "no jessie, why are you crying? you need to stop crying, you can't do this anymore" and not really paying attention to what he was saying, i just kept insisting to come up and see him, but then he said to me "i have to go now, i cant hide in the shadow anymore.." and then i woke up. i told my mom what happened, and she told me that he was trying to tell me not to grieve over him. But he doesnt understand... I CANT HELP IT! Basically, that's all that has happened. My baby and I are still together (yay!) 10 months!! I'm a little annoyed at him right now, but thats another story that i dont feel like talking about! kisses

Virgo and Aries [27 Oct 2002|12:21am] [ mood | disappointed ] [ music | L'Italiano (Radio Remix) ] When Aries and Virgo come together in a love match, they may think at first that they have nothing in common and nothing to learn from one another. This relationship takes time to develop as each partner must learn to understand where the other is coming from. Aries and Virgo can seem like total opposites: While Aries is brash, dominant and aggressive, always jumping into new things and almost always impatient, Virgo is detail-oriented and quiet, even shy, and works patiently toward long-term goals. Aries's energy is fiery and impetuous while Virgo's is much slower and more grounded. It's these very differences, however, that can teach Aries and Virgo so much, once they just look beneath one another's surfaces to see what lies beneath. Early in the relationship, Aries and Virgo may see nothing but one another's faults. Virgo thinks Aries is way too brash, and Aries thinks Virgo is extremely fussy. But if they focus on one another's strengths instead, they'll discover a great deal. Aries teaches Virgo about fun and excitement, about the spontaneity that is often missing in Virgo's life. Virgo teaches Aries patience and attention to detail, the knowledge that the little things -- and moments -- are important too. Aries can teach their Virgo lover to take things less seriously. Virgo can teach Aries to be polite and value hard work. Aries is ruled by the Planet Mars and Virgo is ruled by the Planet Mercury. Aries wants to rush out and fight without wasting time preplanning or strategizing. Conversely, Virgo wants to analyze everything and work out all the details before acting. These are such opposite approaches that strife can result. Both Signs must make a conscious effort to learn from one another's method rather than letting their partner's natural rhythm bother to the point of distraction. Aries is a Fire Sign and Virgo is an Earth Sign. Where Aries is all fiery impetuosity, Virgo is grounded practicality. Virgo weighs all the options before devoting any serious effort, while Aries simply sees what they want and dives in! This is true both in career and in personal relationships -- which can be something of a stumbling block. If Aries has decided it's Virgo they want, they might be frustrated for some time to come, waiting for Virgo to make up their mind about whether the relationship is a good idea. Aries is a Cardinal Sign and Virgo is a Mutable Sign. Virgo doesn't need to be the leader or the boss; they're glad to follow another's suggestion once they decide it's a viable one. Aries, on the other hand, wants to make those suggestions -- every time. This is a beneficial dynamic if these two Signs are working as a team toward a common goal. What's the best aspect of the Aries-Virgo relationship? Their great effectiveness as a team -- business or personal. Their personalities, opposite in so many ways, make for a highly complementary relationship. ->> Me and my baby are still together... 5 months :) and i've NEVER been happier!!! I love him with all my heart... MY FIRST TRUE LOVE. I want him to be my first for a lot of things... He is the first guy i've trusted in a LONG time, i want him to be the first i marry and the one who i have kids with... and so much more (wink wink lma0) kisses

[26 Aug 2002|10:59pm] [ mood | energetic ] [ music | Broken Promises - Mandy Moore ] t0m0rr0w is my birthday... :-D -- 0mg s0 much shit has happened since Friday - 0nly certain pe0ple can kn0w s0 if y0u want t0 kn0w, call my cell ph0ne anytime 0f the day :) kisses

[16 Aug 2002|10:31pm] [ mood | annoyed ] [ music | Get Away - Christina Milian ft. Ja Rule ] i havent talked t0 nick in three days - and i hate the feeling that i have a b0yfriend f0r three days - and then i d0nt f0r like 2 weeks - this is just bullshit and fucked up kisses

[13 Aug 2002|03:53pm] [ mood | bitchy ] [ music | One Day In Your Life - Anastacia ] i d0nt get it - nick tells me that if i ever need t0 talk t0 s0me0ne - t0 talk t0 him, i needed him last night - but he wasn't here - s0 wh0 d0 i turn t0 n0w? kisses

[13 Aug 2002|11:57am] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | Shiny Disco Balls - Who Da Funk ] Friday, August 9 Friday night, jess, ciaran, chris, nick and me went t0 the mall t0 hang 0ut. that's the last time i saw nick since. but Friday night had t0 0f been the best time ever. jess and me snuck 0ut ar0und 1:30am and we met up with gin0 chris and ciaran. s0 we were just walking ar0und and a car was c0ming up behind us s0 we all ran int0 a yard. 0ut 0f all yards we decided t0 run int0 it was the guy wh0 was in the car - his yard. he called the c0ps 0n us. s0 he saw me and jess behind the tree s0 we all just g0t up and started t0 walk back d0wn near lindsay's h0use. we went thr0ugh s0me wo0ds and came 0ut in a different devel0pment. we were all fighting ab0ut what t0 d0, s0 we decided t0 just g0 back t0 chris' h0use because we didn't want to get caught by the c0ps. s0 0n the way back jess fell int0 a ditch lma0 - it was so0o fucking funny! she g0t 0ut and we g0t t0 chris' h0use and chilled there until like 3:30am then we walked back t0 jess' h0use. everything was 0kay and n0 0ne g0t caught. - that had t0 be the funniest time in the w0rld. lma0 M0nday, August 12 t0day i went t0 a water park - we had a l0t 0f fun. but 0n the way h0me i f0und 0ut that they th0ught my grandpa had a heartattack s0 they were d0ing tests and shit. - he didn't have 0ne, he just had chest pains. but it was very scary. my grandpa is like my father. and when i need s0me0ne t0 talk t0 (c0ughc0ugh nick c0ughc0ugh) i didn't kn0w wh0 t0 turn t0. like ciaran is always there f0r me- i l0ve that kid like my br0ther. i d0nt kn0w what i w0uld d0 with0ut him. and if y0u read this ciaran - thanks s0 much f0r everything - i d0nt even kn0w where t0 start - but if y0u ever ever need anything n0 matter what it is, ill always help y0u 0ut... much l0ve. Tuesday, August 13 HAPPY BIRTHDAY T0 JESS BEISS! I L0VE Y0U GIRL! SISTERS FORVER! My Qu0te 0ne night the mo0n said t0 me "if he makes y0u cry s0 much, why d0n't y0u leave him?" i lo0ked up at the mo0n with tears and said "mo0n, w0uld y0u ever leave the sky?" Why Does Love Hurt So Much? kisses

Virgo [04 Aug 2002|02:15pm] [ mood | annoyed ] [ music | That's How We Roll - Big Pun ] You might not know as much as you think you do right now, Virgo. Be very careful about entering a battle of wits unarmed today, especially when facing a particularly worthy adversary. You've been doing a good job of faking it, but it's time to face facts: The scope of your work might be getting too big for your present life structure to contain it. In order to get the full meaning, make sure you tune in to inflection and body language for the subtext beneath the words. kisses

[30 Jul 2002|10:42pm] [ mood | blah ] [ music | Somebody Like Me - Silk The Shocker ] Ah - wow - So many emotions are like running through my mind these past few days. I've been with Nick and it's great - I love him and I love to be with him - He makes me so happy. I saw him like every day for a little less then a week and then I realized that by getting so used to see him like everyday for the whole day wasn't good because when he goes back down to Staten Island it's going to hurt - a lot - and it does. And last night I went into this VERY weird mood about my father. I mean, it's not fair - I always said that I didn't need him - he wasn't there for my kindergarten graduation, he wasn't there for my school plays, or for my first communion, when I graduated from elementary school, or for my first day of high school. He wasn't there for my first dance, my first boyfriend - NOTHING. But it's not fair - if he loved us so much, why did he leave us? I am the only girl out of 4 kids. I always wanted to be "daddy's little girl" or "daddy's little princess" but I never got to be that - Yea, I got my grandpa, and he's always been there for me, and I am forever thankful, but it's still not the same as a real father. I don't understand how you could just get up and leave your kids like he did with us. I cleaned my closet out yesterday and I found a picture of him holding me when I was first born - he looked like the happiest guy in the world - but I guess 4 wonderful children weren't good enough for him, nothing ever was. He wanted the best - I guess we just weren't. - It's not so much that he's gone now, that he ruined for me, it's so hard for me to have relationships and to trust the person I'm with. I'm so scared to get hurt - to have someone I love, like I loved my father - leave me like he did. And it hurts - and it's so hard to explain to someone why you don't trust them, even though they didn't do anything for you not to trust them - no one really understands, they say that they do but they really don't - it's a lot harder to understand - try to go a life time without something that you need so much. In the movie Grease one of the girls said "the only guy a girl can trust is her daddy" - that's not even true in my case. With Nick, I love him so much, words cant even explain it. The best way I can is this, "If I had nothing in the world but you, I'd still have everything" ~ that's the best way that I could put it. I don't know what happened this time - I have NEVER EVER let a guy get this close to me or let myself get close to a guy - I gave in this time - couldn't control it, and it DOES scare me - I'm not scared to admit it, yes, I am scared of commitment - there is no guarantee that nothing won't happen in a relationship. Like, I know that he can't be here 24-7 - I KNOW THAT. But I've gotten so close to him that it drives me crazy when he's not here. Even if it's only like one day - It's so pathetic, I know, but I cant help it. Like when he's not here, I feel like I'm missing a part of me. And I'm scared he's going to leave - like my father - I know that he's not my father, but still, I'm like scared for like with this shit! And it gets to me so much sometimes that I just sit there and cry and there is no way to explain why. My Grandpa started his treatment for his cancer yesterday - and I'm so scared - if anything were to happen to him I don't know what I would do! He's my life - the father I never had. Since I was never "daddy's little girl", my grandpa gave me everything I wanted - like it would have been if my dad were here. He's always been there for me. He always tells me that when I get married he wanted to walk me down the aisle and give me off to my husband. Always makes sure I have money if I go away on vacation, took me to all of my Father-daughter dances for Girl Scouts. Very protective over me - and trusts me with everything. Always talks highly of me to all his cousins at parties - telling them that I'm his little girl and how much he loves me. Always defended me even if I was wrong - I would kill someone and to him it would just be an accident - he never ever let anyone talk bad about me. And even though I did bad in school these past few years, he never judged me differently - never yelled either, just told me that I need to do better because I need to go to college and get a good job. And he'll never let me forget that one father's day, when I was really small, I started calling him "GRANDPA-DADDY" because that's what he is to me, my daddy. I love you Thanks so much Nick and Anthony - I love you two so much - and thanks for ALWAYS being there for me. kisses

[23 Jul 2002|12:22pm] [ mood | dorky ] [ music | Gotta Get Through This - Daniel Bedingfield ] Hey Everyone! We're back! Me and Jess had so much fun in Florida! Mike! LMAO Jess - And all of our stalkers! LOL - But we hafd fun even though Jess tried to KILL ME!! LoL - JK. And I lost my favorite sunglasses :( - Oh well, we got more.. right Jess..LOL- Anyways, on the trip me and Jess did A LOT of talking .. (lol) and I realized how much I really do LOVE Nick. I mean, when we were talking lyk hmm.. lol.. i dont know how to explain it but it's kind of like, when I think of why he didnt call me or something, i think of lyk that worst, lyk the reason why he didnt call me was because he was out with some girls or something but the real reason is lyk because he had to go to a family thing or something lyk that. And i dont know why i do it... but i hate it. Lyk its so hard to explain but its kinda lyk i always think the worst and i underestimate him a lot and i dont know why. - Everything seems "too good to be true" maybe that's why i do it but who knows? I need to stop! kisses

[13 Jul 2002|09:25pm] [ mood | ditzy ] [ music | It's Love - Andrea Brown ] Hey Everyone! I'm leaving on vacation soon :) -- I'm going to miss everyone so0o much though. To Nick, honey, I love you so much, will all my heart and more, and don't ever forget that...days or miles wont ever change that (you should know that by now) And if you ever doubt this at any point when we're apart, just re-read the letter I gave you a few weeks ago, because honey, I promise you that every word in there is true. I've never felt this way about anyone before and no one has ever made me this happy..thank you for everything, whether you were my best friend or both, boyfriend and my best friend. I love you honey! See you soon! True love is when you miss him before he leaves When you could listen to him talk all night And never get tired of hearing his voice Its when the thought of him sends chills down your spine And you see his smile everytime you close your eyes Its when you know that in 60 years you could wake up next to him And still think he's the most wonderful person you've ever met <33 I love you Nick, always and forever <33 [x0x] Lots of hugs and kisses [x0x] Love always, Jessie kisses

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